In the beginning I had the gift of desperation. The inability to manage the pain of my active addiction wrenched me to a place of willingness and honesty I had never known. My alcoholism forced me to contemplate a spiritual solution. I had no idea how precious desperation could be. At the time I was only aware of the pain of living. Fortunately I was more frightened at the idea of using than I was at the concept of a fearless and thorough inventory.
My first inventory was as fearless and thorough as I could manage and it was enough for me to meet my higher power. I don’t recall the act of writing it but I’ll never forget reading it to my sponsor as we circled the city of Phoenix in his Volkswagen. As I came to the end of my page and the silence in the car was stifling, after an eternal pause my sponsor quietly asked “Is there anything else?” I told him a secret I swore I would never let pass my lips. After speaking it I couldn’t make myself look anywhere but the floor mats. Then my sponsor shared a quiet truth of his own. I don’t know if it was the compassion of that man to offer a piece of himself to me or if it was the love of a wonderful God who put us togetherÍ¾ I just know in that moment I felt a deep connection with others for the very first time.
The Twelve Steps states on pg 57 “Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn’t belong”. It was the beginning of a true kinship with man and God.
Stepping out of that car I had my first spiritual experience. In a glimpse I saw the thread of the supernatural carefully woven through my life. In this ephemeral moment where I felt no better or worse than my fellow man I met my creator. Walking through windy woods of Still Waters, a Men’s 12-Step retreat offered by Cumberland Heights, I crested a summit just as the wind stopped and I stepped into the sunshine for the very first time.